Lost Soul
by EmeraldStar-goddess
Summary: He stared down at the young woman before him wishing that there was another option. Any other option than this.


**Another one-shot featuring Bickslow and Lucy. Hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

><p>He stood there staring down at her, swallowing thickly as he watched her die slowly. This wasn't supposed to be happening. She wasn't supposed to die, not with so much here. Not when so many people wanted her alive, to see her bright smile every day for as long as possible. He took in a ragged breath not sure what could be done to help her, to save her from this fate. At least he didn't until less than an hour ago.<p>

They were all positioned around the guild, shouting loudly, arguing and trying to find a way around it but their voices had faded as she was his sole focus. He knew there wasn't a way around it, there never would be around this.

"You have to do it." A voice cut through his mind, his friend and fellow teammate Freed. "It's the only way to save her." He tried to persuade him. His words had his hands balling into fists, clenching tightly as he tried to keep his emotions reigned in.

"No! There has to be another way to do this!" Gray shouted and he wished he could agree with him. Natsu had been detained and Erza was standing next to Mira, who was ready to restrain the armored woman at any second should she attempt anything and oh did he wish she would.

"Bickslow, if you don't do this we may never be able to save her." Evergreen warned and he felt the bile rise in his throat, wishing it wasn't him.

Lifting his hands the seith mage pulled off his visor, tugging back his hood finally looking at her unhindered. She sat on a stool, looking worse than he had ever seen her, a flash of surprise crossing her eyes as he set his visor down on the stool next to her. He knew she probably never expected to see the tears in his eyes threatening to come out, but it's not like he wanted to do this to her. Despite their past, he'd never want to hurt her. He let out a ragged breath shaking his head, finally speaking.

"I can't do it." He rasped out, his throat tight. His dark red eyes met the dull brown ones he longed to see back to their normal caramel. He wanted to see that bright smile on her face, the happiness that she always exuded, her sassiness, that spunk and the way she could just make everything so much better with a simple smile but what he longed to see most was her bright soul, god that soul was so beautiful and bright and he wanted to be able to see it walk into the guild every day.

"Bickslow." Mira begged softly but he ignored her looking at the blonde before him.

"I can't do this to you." He murmured, feeling his heart break when she gave him a smile.

Her arms lifted, reaching out to him and he took that last step toward her, standing so close to her. Her smile never faded from her face as she placed her hands upon his face, closing his eyes at their warmth he could feel the tears finally falling and she brushed them away before whispering his name softly. Opening his eyes he bit back a sob wishing she wouldn't look at him like she was. Didn't she know how painful this was? Her arms slid around him, pulling him against her and his immediately wrapped tightly around her, pressing her against him.

"Lucy I –"She hushed him, before pulling away shaking her head that smile still on her face.

"It's okay Bickslow." She whispered. "If this will help me then do it, if this will allow you to save me. Please." He shook his head, he wanted another option.

"What if we can't save you? What if – what if we fail?" He felt her cup his face and he remained still as she leaned forward, brushing her lips against his.

"It's okay. I'm not afraid." He closed his eyes as he felt her press her lips against his in a chaste kiss. "Please Bickslow." He swallowed back the sob begging to leave his throat, struggling to fight back the tears wanting to escape.

"I can't." He whispered hoarsely. "I can't live with myself if I take your soul and you can never come back."

She pressed her lips between his brows, where his tattoo was, followed by his nose and finally his lips before pulling away. "Bickslow, open your eyes." He opened them, looking into her beautiful orbs. "You'll have my soul, and even if I can't come back – I will _always_ be with you. Forever." She whispered the last word.

The moment those words were spoken he wanted desperately for this to be a nightmare. He didn't want to be the one but he had to. Swallowing he reached up, cupping her face with both of his hands before crashing his lips to hers in a rough final kiss and when he pulled away he opened his eyes, figure eyes activating, seconds later possessing her. "I'm sorry Lucy." He whispered before pulling her soul from her body and placing it in the awaiting totem.

* * *

><p>Three years. That's how much time had passed since he had taken her soul from her body and since then he couldn't get over what he had done to her. Every day he spent it with her, holding her totem in his hands wishing that there had been some other way; that they could have tried harder to save her, anything but what he had done to her.<p>

Laxus and the other members of the Raijinshu had been with him, visiting him every day and somehow managing to remind him that Lucy would never want him to hate himself for what he did. She understood completely and that was the problem. She _understood_ what had to be done, she had smiled at him up until the very end and that's what made everything even worse.

The years passed slowly for him and beyond the long jobs they took and occasional visits from his friends he had been as isolated as the very first day he arrived at Fairy Tail. He couldn't bear to visit the guild. He couldn't smile or laugh and alcohol had done nothing to quell his pain.

After the second year passed he had made his first trip to the guild only to ask Makarov what was being done about her and the only answer given was an apology that research was still ongoing but so far regrettably there was nothing able to be done. When that third year had come to pass the only thing he could be glad about was that if he hadn't taken her soul then it could have ended up lost and then there really would never be a chance to save her and _no one_ would truly be able to see Lucy Heartfilia again.

xox

"So do you think we can actually do this?" The brunette asked her companion worriedly. The other woman nodded her head determinedly.

"We've found the answer and the only way for us to know if it's truly worked is to do this."

"Just – take your time. Please, Mira." She whispered softly.

"Cana, have faith in me. I can do this." The card mage nodded her head as the eldest Strauss sibling took in a breath. "Here we go." She whispered.

The brunette watched her friend, hoping that this would actually work. They had waited three years for this and it would kill her if they failed. It had seemed like hours had gone by as she waited for her to finish though the whole process had taken mere minutes to complete. The duo stood together with abated breath for any sign that Mira had succeeded, nearly giving up hope after a few minutes when she suddenly gasped, her eyes opening wide as her body lurched off the bed, looking around, fear evident in her eyes.

"Calm down." Mira soothed. "You're okay." The barmaid reached out for her to lie her back down but she backed away, falling off of the bed, with a yelp. "Please calm down. You're okay, we won't hurt you." She tried to reassure her but they received a shake of the head, the girl backing up further.

"Stay away." She whimpered out softly.

"Please, Lucy it's okay." She knelt down holding her hand out to her.

"No!" She screamed, backing up further. "Stay away from me!" She scrambled to her feet grabbing a container of cotton balls and throwing it at them, the glass shattering before them. "Get away!" She reached for something else, throwing it in their direction.

"Lucy, please." Mira begged, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. "It's okay, we're your friends."

"No!" She shook her head. "Stay away!" She threw another container at them, the glass shattering as it met with the floor.

Mira made to reach for her but Cana held her back both startled when the infirmary door burst open an angry seith mage standing there. They watched his eyes widen at the sight of the blonde before turning on them full of a fiery rage.

"What did you do?!" He roared angrily.

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><p>Lying in his bed he struggled to find the will to get up and get ready. Evergreen had managed to convince him to visit the guild today and that was the last thing he wanted to do. To be in the place he had ended her life. Letting out a heavy sigh he rolled out of bed not wanting to deal with the fairy reprimanding him or the threat of dragging him out of bed if he didn't get up willingly.<p>

He made his way to the bathroom for a shower, drying and dressing before walking over to his babies, waking them up one by one, stalling when he only named five. Looking up he counted them once, twice and three times, his heart racing when he realized which one was missing. Trying to keep calm he searched his apartment tearing everything apart as he searched for her totem, struggling to comprehend how she could go missing.

Taking a breath he made his way to the front door, quickly pulling on his boots and running out of the building needing to get to Laxus, hoping the man could help him. Reaching his home he pounded on the door, willing the man to answer his door as he banged on it again. After another moment he realized Laxus wasn't there and that meant he was at the guild. Turning on his heel he made a run for it, feeling his heart beat heavily against his chest. How could she go missing? Who would take her?

When he arrived at the guild he was breathless and weak as he searched for his leader. Spotting the lightning mage he made his way through the guild to the bar, unsurprised when Laxus turned to him, a worried look on his face.

"Bickslow what's –"

"Lucy." He breathed out. "She's gone." Laxus frowned.

"What do you mean she's gone? You control her soul."

"I don't know!" He half shouted. "I woke up this morning and she –"He cut himself off at the sound of screaming, followed by a yell and what sounded like glass breaking. Turning toward the second floor his figure eyes automatically activating and he felt his jaw drop at the sight. "God, no." He whispered. "Please tell me they didn't." He shook his head.

"What?" Laxus demanded.

He swallowed feeling angry that they had done that. He immediately took off, running up the steps to the second floor before shoving the door open his anger doubling at the sight that greeted him. His eyes widened in disbelief before turning to the two culprits.

"What did you do?!" He roared angrily.

"Bickslow, wait please, let us explain –"

"There's nothing for you to explain. You're both idiots! How could you?!"

"We just wanted –"Mira began softly.

"We were trying to bring her back." Cana spoke firmly as she held a crying Mira.

"Do you even realize what you've done?!" He shouted. "Look at her!" He pointed to the blonde. "That's not Lucy! How stupid could you –"His words fell short as he felt something collide into his side, holding onto him tightly. Looking down he could only stare wide-eyed at the blonde as she hugged him.

"What the hell is going o –"Laxus cut himself off as he stared at the girl wrapped around Bickslow's waist. "Is that?" He looked to Mira and Cana. "You brought her back?"

"It's not her." Bickslow managed, confused as to why the blonde was hugging him.

"How can it not be her? We used her soul." Cana inquired.

"You can't just unfreeze a damn body and toss a soul into it expecting to get what you want." Bickslow spoke harshly at them. "There's a process and you two –"He was cut off as Laxus placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

He took a moment to collect himself before looking down at the blonde still attached to him. He sighed heavily as he wrapped his arms around her; it felt so good to finally hold her after all these years. Opening his eyes he looked to the card mage and the crying barmaid.

"Let's go somewhere so we can talk about what happened." He said after a moment. "I don't want anyone else finding out about her until I know everything." Releasing his hold on the blonde he wasn't entirely sure how to detach her from him. "Lucy." He called her name softly and she looked up at him. She knew her name. "We need to leave." She shook her head.

"Don't leave me." She whispered and he swallowed, giving a shake of his head.

"I won't." She loosened her hold and he took the opportunity to quickly pick her up, carrying her like a princess. He managed to get her out of the guild, using the back door, waiting for the others to join him.

"We'll head to my place." Laxus spoke, leading the way.

The four walked to Laxus' place, Bickslow carrying Lucy the entire time wondering why she had reacted the way she did when he entered the infirmary. From what he had seen she didn't know who anyone was and she looked terrified as she stood with her back pressed against a wall. When they arrived she had refused to let him put her down, giving up with a soft he sat down with her in his lap, holding her as she lied her head on his shoulder.

"What happened?" He asked needing to know what they did.

Mira and Cana shifted in their seats before the S-class mage spoke for them. "We found her cure." She began. "We were able to restore her body but we didn't know if she'd be back unless her soul was in her body."

"With my help, Mira was able to enter your place to take Lucy's totem. Once we had her soul we went back to the guild and prepped everything. We thawed Lucy, and once she was warmed enough we moved her to the infirmary and Mira put her soul back in her body."

Closing his eyes he let out a sigh, trying to remain calm. "Why?"

"Because we wanted to bring her back."

He opened his eyes looking at them seriously. "No, why didn't you come and get me?"

"I –"Cana began but Mira spoke.

"We wanted to be able to surprise everyone. To have her back with everyone like the last three years never happened."

"You're both idiots." He shook his head. "I get what you wanted. I understand it but you're both idiots."

"Look we were just trying –"

"You fucked everything up." He stated brusquely.

"Bickslow." Laxus called and he shook his head.

"You don't even understand what you've done. If you knew she was better you should have gotten me, I would have been able to bring her back but now, now because of you two Lucy is gone."

"What are you talking about she's right there?" Cana pointed and he shook his head.

"This? This isn't Lucy. This is a scared girl with her face and her name."

"What are you saying?" The lightning mage asked.

"I mean that her memory – everything that was the Lucy we knew is gone. I don't even know if the real her –"

"She remembers you." Cana spoke and he looked down at the blonde in his arms. "Couldn't we try and see what we can do by using her memory of you?"

Bickslow hesitated it was honestly a desperate attempt for something he wasn't even sure he could guarantee. He sighed before calling the blonde's name, feeling her shift before slowly sitting up and looking at him. "Do you know who I am?"

She shook her head and he felt disappointment, noticing they were as disappointed as he. "No, I-I just know your voice." She replied softly and he frowned. "I remember it and the feeling of you holding me." She looked up and into his eyes. "I heard your voice a lot, you talked to me but you always sounded sad."

His eyes widened marginally. She remembered being his soul, being in the totem. "Is there anything else you remember?" She shook her head.

"Just your voice and the feeling of you holding me." She lied down again. "Like this." His hand went up to her head, stroking her hair, a ragged breath escaping him. He had longed to hold her like this, to feel her in his arms but it had always been a dream, a fantasy that tormented him.

He turned his attention to the other occupants of the room, Mira looking like she was going to burst any second, Cana looking down saddened. Laxus had remained expressionless but he could see something in the man's eyes. He returned his attention to the blonde, there wasn't anything he knew of that could return her to them but maybe they could at least try something.

"I doubt it will work." He began. "But maybe we can try." Cana and Mira looked up at him confusion briefly on their faces before realization and hope set in.

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><p>Reintroducing Lucy to everyone had been interesting. She didn't like the loudness of the guild nor did she like their fighting but she still went with him every day to get to know everyone. She immediately took a liking to Mira and Cana which was a little surprising considering she had thrown things at them and seemed terrified of them. Her teammates had frightened her at first but after some time she was able to get along with them and seeing her sit with them, a smile on her beautiful face it almost seemed like she had never left.<p>

Of course that was just an illusion because in reality her memories still had yet to return and during the last six months since her return she didn't like being too far from him and that only set to make things difficult for him. He wanted her, longed to have her but he didn't want to do anything that may upset her or cause her to leave him so he made sure to keep his distance, simply remaining close enough to make her happy.

Shifting in his seat he watched her as she spoke with Levy and Gajeel, his lips quirking at the memory of her being introduced to the two. Levy and she bonded quickly which was unsurprising to anyone but her reaction to Gajeel had been priceless. Giving his head a shake he heard the sound of someone clearing their throat, turning his attention to Laxus.

"Meeting." He said simply and Bickslow frowned.

"Now?" Laxus nodded and the seith mage shot a glance over to Lucy, worried that if he were to leave she'd freak out.

"Bickslow." Turning back to the lightning slayer he gave a slow nod and stood from his seat, following him up to the second floor confused as to why they weren't going to the guild master's office and to Laxus' instead. The door closed behind him and he looked at his leader wondering what was happening, soon voicing his thoughts.

"What's going on? I thought master wanted a meeting?"

Laxus sighed, shaking his head. "There's something I wanted to talk to you about." The seith mage frowned in confusion but nodded his head. "Mira and Cana have been talking with gramps about Lucy." He began. "They want to try having her live on her own, or if she's not ready with one of them."

"What?!" He shouted angrily, upset that they would try to take Lucy away from him.

"Calm down." Laxus sighed, taking a seat in his chair. "Nothing has been decided yet, right now all their doing is talking but I thought that you should know about it before she suddenly leaves."

"What's wrong with her living with me?"

"Nothing, but she can't stay with you."

"Why the hell not?!" He half shouted. "She's perfectly fine staying with me."

"Maybe, but Lucy should be trying to get out on her own, they want to help her get back to a normal life." He swallowed knowing that he was right; he should be trying to help her find some semblance of her previous self but he didn't want her to leave. He wanted her to stay with him, to stay by his side. "Why are you so against this anyways?"

His breath caught in his throat as his body tensed. There was no reason for him to not want to help her but then that was a lie. He knew why he wanted her with him, why he had reacted so angrily toward this idea and not just this but when they had brought her back, why it had hurt so much to take her soul. He shook his head. "I'm not." He spoke quietly. She'd never feel the way he did so what other choice did he have? "But if you do, let me talk to her, just in case."

Laxus nodded his head. "I'll let them know." Bickslow swallowed and turned, leaving his office and making his way down stairs to check on Lucy. He tried to reign in his emotions as she came over to him, a bright smile on her face.

"Bickslow guess what." She asked excitedly and he smiled.

"What?"

"Mira said she's going to teach me magic!" She squealed happily. "I'm so excited. She said it's called celestial magic and she thinks I'll be an amazing celestial mage."

His throat constricted at her words. She had been an amazing celestial mage. He could remember hearing her teammates and a couple others go on about how they had gone to the celestial world for a party and how the celestial king considered her a friend. Levy had mentioned that no human had ever been to that world before them and that it was because her spirits loved her that they were able to go. She had also been strong being able to take down such powerful enemies they've constantly had to face. He smiled down at the blonde nodding his head.

"You will be an amazing celestial mage." He agreed noticing her tilt her head curiously.

"Bickslow is something wrong?" He shook his head.

"Nothing's wrong." She frowned. "Why don't you go spend some more time with everyone before we have to leave for the day, okay?" She hesitated before nodding her head slowly and returned to her teammates.

He let out a ragged breath as he watched her sit and talk, with a smile on her face and seeing it hurt more than anything else. She was happy and so close to living the life she had previously lived, even if the Lucy they first met so long ago wasn't back. His heart ached and he stood for a moment longer before turning and walking out of the guild. He couldn't be there anymore.

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><p>Blue eyes watched the seith mage leave the guild surprised he had left Lucy alone like he did. It was the first time they didn't leave together and she wondered what would happen to make such a thing occur? Her eyes skimmed the guild for the lightning mage, soon finding the man making his way over to the bar from the second floor and her eyes narrowed wondering if he did something.<p>

As soon as he sat down she walked over to him to demand answers when he looked up at her and she stalled, not sure about the look in his eyes. "I spoke with Bickslow." He informed her softly.

"About what?"

"Lucy moving in with you or Cana."

"And?" She asked eager to know the answer.

"If gramps agrees to the decision, he wants to talk to her just in case." Mira's shoulders sagged.

"Oh." She whispered softly. "I see. Then I guess I'll let Cana and Master, know that he gave us the go ahead."

"Yeah." He grunted and Mira grabbed a mug filling it for him before making her way over to Cana to let her know the news.

xox

She slowly descended the steps to the first floor, having just finished her talk with Master and Cana. She made sure to mention Bickslow's request to talk to Lucy beforehand so she would be more willing to leave. Sighing she began making her way to the bar to resume her duties; they were to begin making preparations tomorrow. Lucy would either live with Cana or she would live on her own.

Stepping behind the bar she picked up a rag and began cleaning the mugs glancing toward the blonde celestial mage as she spoke with her teammates, laughing happily. It almost looked like she had never left despite the fact that her memories hadn't returned. It worried her to see her like this, so vulnerable and scared, much more than she used to be. Another sigh escaped her before backtracking, her thoughts, looking at the blonde again.

She looked like those three years never happened. Her eyes widened at the thought, turning to the guild door where the seith mage had left earlier. Was that why he left? Did he really believe Lucy felt that way about him? She felt her sigh yet again as she shook her head.

* * *

><p>"Do you love her?"<p>

He sat in the lightning slayer's office, staring at the man through a grilled visor not entirely sure what he was asking even as he repeated the question.

"What?" He asked after another moment and Laxus let out an irritated noise.

"Lucy, do you love her." He swallowed at the question, not sure if he could reveal the truth to anyone but himself. Though what had him curious was why _Laxus_ was asking him the question. He frowned.

"Did Mira put you up to this?" He asked feeling irritated. "Tell that demon to quit with the damn matchmaker shit."

"This isn't Mira's matchmaker shit. This is a serious question." He frowned, remaining silent. "Fuck Bickslow, you let her go. I figured you would have at least fought harder for her."

His brain stalled at the man's words. What the hell? "Wait a second, I thought everyone was pushing to try and give her a semblance of her previous life and now your pissed at me because I wanted to do what's best for her?"

Laxus sighed heavily and he stared at the man confused. "This is completely ridiculous. If you fucking love her, why the hell haven't you said anything to her? It's been almost a year since she's been back."

Bickslow stared at him trying to process their conversation. What the hell was going on? Why did he care whether or not he had told Lucy how he felt about her? "Why the hell are you asking me this?"

"For a lot of reasons I really don't want to get into." Though unseen his eyes narrowed.

"So, it is Mira."

Laxus sighed cursing. "Yes, it's Mira. It's also Cana and no it doesn't have anything to do with setting you up but it has everything to do with the fact that they keep complaining to me about how much Lucy misses you."

He blinked. "Lucy misses me?" He shook his head. "If she wanted to stay why didn't she say anything?"

Laxus nearly groaned. "Because she didn't think you wanted her there anymore."

He took a moment to process what had just been discussed. He had only wanted what was best for her despite his feelings and here the cheerleader never wanted to leave in the first place and now was missing him. He looked at Laxus opening his mouth to ask where she was.

"She's downstairs. Most likely at the bar." Bickslow smiled, standing up he turned to leave the slayer's office, pausing at the door to thank his friend before making his way down to the bar, easily spotting the celestial mage. He swiftly walked over to her calling her name, watching her turn toward him, surprise crossing her features briefly.

"Bickslow." He smiled.

"Can we talk for a minute?" He asked tilting his head up toward the second floor. She nodded her head and slipped off the stool following him up the steps. As they approached the second floor he took a breath to calm himself down before turning to her to speak, frowning as he opened his mouth and nothing came out. Closing it he swallowed. "Lucy I –"His eyes widened as a pair of soft lips covered his, blinking as the blonde blushed, smiling shyly.

"I like you Bickslow." She murmured softly and he grinned at her, pulling her close to him.

"I like you too Lucy." He leaned down, capturing her lips in a chaste kiss, loving how quickly she responded to it. She sighed softly as their lips met in another kiss, one much more passionate and he groaned softly as her lips parted for him allowing him to taste her sweetness. His hands gripped her hips tightly as she clutched the fabric of his shirt, angling his head he deepened the kiss and his hands grasped her backside.

She pulled away with a soft sigh, her arms slipping around him as she rested her head on his chest, smiling contently. His face split into a grin as he wrapped his arms around her pressing a kiss to the top of her head. She was finally his.

* * *

><p>Six months later…<p>

He was waiting in his living room, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom, wondering what the hell she was doing that was taking so long. Letting out a sigh he turned to call for her only for her to call out to him.

"Okay, I'm coming out!" She yelled cheerfully and he let out a relieved sigh.

The blonde left the bathroom and walked down the hall toward his living room, standing in front of his sofa in a cheerleading costume. He laughed shaking his head as he remembered the first time they interacted; she was wearing the exact same thing.

"I was thinking about doing a cheer for the Miss Fail Tail contest. What do you think of my costume?"

He stood up from his seat walking over to her with a smile on his face. "Even with your memory gone you're still a cosplaying manic queen aren't you?"

She snorted and brushed some invisible dust off her skirt. "Says the perverted seith mage drooling all over himself."

His mouth snapped shut and he wiped at his face subconsciously to make sure he hadn't. His brows furrowing at her words. She had called him a pervert and he hadn't been that much of one since before she got sick. He eyed her as she walked away.

"Lucy." He called but she kept walking seeming to have ignored him. "Lucy." He called again, this time she stopped and looked back at him.

"I'm sorry, what's my name?" He felt his lips curl into a smile at the look in her eyes and he knew.

"Cosplay queen." He answered and she smiled.

"Yes, Bickslow?" He laughed, his tongue hanging out as he eyed her.

"You should shorten the skirt a bit." He watched her glance down at it before a grin spread across her face.

"You know what, I have a better idea." His brow rose as he watched her use the pompoms to cover herself, shimmying out of her skirt before turning around and removing her top tossing it on the floor. The blonde turned back around, keeping the pompoms in place to cover her.

"Hell, baby. That looks much better." She giggled cutely before tossing the pompoms at him and he grinned as he caught a glimpse of her nude form running back to his bedroom. "Oh so much better." He mumbled to himself as he made his way back, undressing himself as he went.


End file.
